Update from the Jihad on Christmas: Battle of Anytown, USA

While the Christmas Army's Supreme Savior, Bill O'Reilly, was suffering a devastating defeat at the White House at the hands of President Bush and the Secret Service, John Gibson was leading another division of the Christmas Army to restock its supplies at a Wal-Mart Supercenter.

"Happy Holidays!" exclaimed the greeter.
"What did you say?" asked John Gibson, as Christmas Army soldiers were purchasing 5,000 boxes of candy canes.
"Happy Holidays!"

Gibson's face turned red with anger.

"It's Christmas, get it right! Merry Christmas!"
"Sir, we say Happy Holidays because we want to include all our friends and customers of all faiths."
"But, it's Christmas, dammit! My God, Wal-Mart has turned into a liberal haven!"
"Does that mean I can be in a union now?"
"Oh, shut up, you liberal heathen!"

Gibson's face turned red with anger. He started shouting at all Wal-Mart employees within the reach of his voice.

"You're all responsible for this War on Christmas! Every last one of you! You're all liberals looking to kill Christmas! Surrender now and no one will be hurt and no profits will be lost!"

Meanwhile, further in the Supercenter, the soldiers of Wal-Mart were preparing for battle against these invaders of the Christmas Army.


A Wal-Mart general and his soldiers bring happiness to a child before the battle.

Gibson orders the Christmas Army into battle formation at the entrance of the Supercenter. Then they advance into the store, securing the front and standing the flag of the Christmas Army and of Christmas itself in the store.


The flag of Christmas and the Christmas Army proudly on display at the Wal-Mart.

"Something doesn't seem right here," said Gibson. "So many aisles. And so quiet. Has Wal-Mart surrendered to us? Have we won against a huge liberal bastion?"

At that moment, the sound of thousands of footsteps, marching in perfect order, grew louder.

"What is this? Christmas Army, get ready!"

At that moment, a sea of yellow smiley faces marched toward the Army's position. Thousands upon thousands of smiley faces, each armed for battle, marched closer and closer. The horde of Wal-Mart smilies never seemed to end.

"They look weak to me, "said Gibson. "Christmas Army, we must wipe out these liberal smiley faces! We must do this in the name of the one, true cause! Christmas Army, aim!"

The front lines of the Christmas Army drew their weapons and took aim at the advancing horde.

"Christmas Army....fire!!!"

The opening volley took down many of Wal-Mart's minions but it was not enough to deter the horde from advancing.

"Christmas Army...fire at will!!!"

The Christmas Army began launching bullets at the advancing horde, an untold number of smilies succumbing to the fire. Yet the Wal-Mart horde kept advancing at the same steady pace.

Suddenly, from the far end of the store, yet more Wal-Mart smilies marched towards the Christmas Army. The Wal-Mart general drew a sword and pointed in the direction of the Christmas Army.

"Rollback prices! I mean...chaaaaaarge!!!"

The horde of smilies ran towards the Christmas Army from both directions, smashing into the front line first, then attacking the flank. The smilies tore through the front line with ease and were advancing into the heart of the Army's formation. Gibson himself was in the middle of the melee, shouting "Merry Christmas!" while kicking the smilies and urging the Christmas Army to fight harder.

Then, two 18-wheelers pulled up to the Wal-Mart parking lot. The drivers rolled back the doors to the cargo and out came more smilies, seeking to surround the Christmas Army...and destroy them.

"These liberals are everywhere! We need to regroup! Retreat! Retreat, I say! There has to be a better way to destroy the liberals!"

The new front lines of the Christmas Army heroically sacrificed themselves while Gibson and the rest of his division retreated out of the Supercenter before the smilies could surround them. Those left behind were quickly demolished by the hordes of Wal-Mart smilies.

"This is no good! This is no good! I hope the Supreme Savior has devised a plan to get rid of all these liberals before....before Christmas is destroyed!"

The Christmas flag lay in tatters on the floor of the Supercenter alongside the dead from the Christmas Army. The smilies had gone back to rollback prices and restock the vast supply for the Holiday rush.

The Christmas Army suffered its second devastating defeat. The remnants, under the commands of O'Reilly and Gibson, headed back to Christmas headquarters near Candy Cane Hill to prepare for the fighting ahead.