Reports from the Jihad on Christmas: Battle at the Capital
Washington, D.C.
After celebrating the overwhelming victory at the Battle of Candy Cane Hill, the Christmas Army's Supreme Savior, Bill O'Reilly, spoke at a joint session of Congress to talk about the Restoration of Christmas.
"I object!" shouted Senator Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts.
"I haven't even said anything yet!" snapped O'Reilly.
"So what? I object to it all!"
"(sigh)...Screw it. Members of Congress, I come before you this afternoon to urge you all to restore Christmas to its proper stance. Liberals everywhere are assaulting this sacred holiday. But for the grace of God and our Supreme Leader, Santa Claus, we were able to defeat those traitors at Candy Cane Hill. But those liberals are everywhere....everywhere, I tell you! I ask that you draft a bill to restore Christmas as the American holiday of the season."
Senator and former Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry of Massachusetts rose to speak.
"I will vote for such a bill."
Everyone in the chamber let out a collective gasp, startled by this declaration of support.
"The real question is if this is a vote for it before I vote against it."
"Will someone shut that man up, already?" quipped Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist.
Arguments began at once throughout the mass of legislators.
"I think someone should show Christmas spirit and give a gift to my legal defense fund," said disgraced former House Majority Leader Tom Delay. "It's for a good cause! My lawyers are starving!"
At that moment, an elf in the Christmas Army ran into the chamber and headed straight for O'Reilly.
"My Supreme Savior," said the elf, "the Christmas Army is under attack!"
"What!? More liberals?"
"I don't know, my savior. They're using the White House to launch their attack!"
"This can't be happening! We must go at once!"
O'Reilly ran to the White House, where he saw Christmas Army soldiers facing President Bush and members of the Secret Service.
"What's going on here!?" asked O'Reilly.
"My Supreme Savior!" said a distressed elf that was a colonel in the Christmas Army. "The President has abandoned Christmas!"
"What!? How could this be, my President?"
"Now listen here," said President Bush, "those cards are meant for all of my supports, people from all kinds of religions, not just Christians."
"But...but...my President..."
"I'm sorry. I celebrate Christmas wholeheartedly. But I cannot abandon my supporters of other faiths."
"I understand...."
O'Reilly looked sadly at the ground. Then he lifted his head and saw the Christmas Army soldiers looking sadly back at him.
"No," O'Reilly said, "this cannot be right. Christmas must be saved. I'm sorry, Mr. President. I must Save Christmas."
The soldiers of the Christmas Army drew their candy canes and their special Christmas toy guns. The Secret Service aimed their weapons at the Christmas Army as two agents whisked the President back into the White House.
The Christmas Army advanced towards the White House. The Secret Service formed a line and aimed their guns at the advancing army. The two sides fired almost simultaneously as the Christmas Army began to charge the Secret Service line.
Converging on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue from all sides were more Secret Service agents in armored SUVs, lowering the windows just enough to shoot at the Christmas Army's flanks. One group of SUVs charged the Army's rear, smashing into the mass of elves. Elves flew into the air upon impact, some landing on the windshields of the SUVs.
Two elves whisked away Supreme Savior Bill O'Reilly to protect him from the carnage. The Christmas Army was becoming slaughtered at the gates of the White House. As more fire from the Secret Service landed upon the ranks of the Christmas Army, the Army desperately charged toward the White House, hoping to fight their way inside.
The hand-to-hand combat between the Army and the Service was fierce. The SUVs backed up and charged the rear of the Army yet again, tossing aside the mangled bodies of Army soldiers across the lawn of the White House. Many of the Army's soldiers gave up hope for this battle and fled while the Service finished off the remaining holdouts.
The Battle at the Capital was lost for the Christmas Army.
O'Reilly and the remnants of that division quickly escaped Washington, which had forsaken Christmas. There would be another day....
After celebrating the overwhelming victory at the Battle of Candy Cane Hill, the Christmas Army's Supreme Savior, Bill O'Reilly, spoke at a joint session of Congress to talk about the Restoration of Christmas.
"I object!" shouted Senator Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts.
"I haven't even said anything yet!" snapped O'Reilly.
"So what? I object to it all!"
"(sigh)...Screw it. Members of Congress, I come before you this afternoon to urge you all to restore Christmas to its proper stance. Liberals everywhere are assaulting this sacred holiday. But for the grace of God and our Supreme Leader, Santa Claus, we were able to defeat those traitors at Candy Cane Hill. But those liberals are everywhere....everywhere, I tell you! I ask that you draft a bill to restore Christmas as the American holiday of the season."
Senator and former Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry of Massachusetts rose to speak.
"I will vote for such a bill."
Everyone in the chamber let out a collective gasp, startled by this declaration of support.
"The real question is if this is a vote for it before I vote against it."
"Will someone shut that man up, already?" quipped Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist.
Arguments began at once throughout the mass of legislators.
"I think someone should show Christmas spirit and give a gift to my legal defense fund," said disgraced former House Majority Leader Tom Delay. "It's for a good cause! My lawyers are starving!"
At that moment, an elf in the Christmas Army ran into the chamber and headed straight for O'Reilly.
"My Supreme Savior," said the elf, "the Christmas Army is under attack!"
"What!? More liberals?"
"I don't know, my savior. They're using the White House to launch their attack!"
"This can't be happening! We must go at once!"
O'Reilly ran to the White House, where he saw Christmas Army soldiers facing President Bush and members of the Secret Service.
"What's going on here!?" asked O'Reilly.
"My Supreme Savior!" said a distressed elf that was a colonel in the Christmas Army. "The President has abandoned Christmas!"
"What!? How could this be, my President?"
"Now listen here," said President Bush, "those cards are meant for all of my supports, people from all kinds of religions, not just Christians."
"But...but...my President..."
"I'm sorry. I celebrate Christmas wholeheartedly. But I cannot abandon my supporters of other faiths."
"I understand...."
O'Reilly looked sadly at the ground. Then he lifted his head and saw the Christmas Army soldiers looking sadly back at him.
"No," O'Reilly said, "this cannot be right. Christmas must be saved. I'm sorry, Mr. President. I must Save Christmas."
The soldiers of the Christmas Army drew their candy canes and their special Christmas toy guns. The Secret Service aimed their weapons at the Christmas Army as two agents whisked the President back into the White House.
The Christmas Army advanced towards the White House. The Secret Service formed a line and aimed their guns at the advancing army. The two sides fired almost simultaneously as the Christmas Army began to charge the Secret Service line.
Converging on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue from all sides were more Secret Service agents in armored SUVs, lowering the windows just enough to shoot at the Christmas Army's flanks. One group of SUVs charged the Army's rear, smashing into the mass of elves. Elves flew into the air upon impact, some landing on the windshields of the SUVs.
Two elves whisked away Supreme Savior Bill O'Reilly to protect him from the carnage. The Christmas Army was becoming slaughtered at the gates of the White House. As more fire from the Secret Service landed upon the ranks of the Christmas Army, the Army desperately charged toward the White House, hoping to fight their way inside.
The hand-to-hand combat between the Army and the Service was fierce. The SUVs backed up and charged the rear of the Army yet again, tossing aside the mangled bodies of Army soldiers across the lawn of the White House. Many of the Army's soldiers gave up hope for this battle and fled while the Service finished off the remaining holdouts.
The Battle at the Capital was lost for the Christmas Army.
O'Reilly and the remnants of that division quickly escaped Washington, which had forsaken Christmas. There would be another day....
posted by Will at 12:20 AM
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