The Jihad on Christmas
It's that time of year again. The time for seeing loved ones. The time for bringing the heavy jackets for those cold late fall and winter days. The time for punching some guy's lights out in a mall to get the last Xbox 360. The time to wait in an airport for two days only to be diverted to Bangor, Maine for who-knows-what-reason. The time to launch another jihad on Christmas.
Wait...what? What was that last one?
The new yearly activity for some is to save Christmas from the evil liberal atheists. It's become a regular segment on Bill O'Reilly's television program.
He's looking out for Christmas for you.
And now there's even a book about it.
Fox News anchor John Gibson is the author of a book called The War on Christmas. The book's description talks about a conspiracy based on "evidence about the liberal activists, lawyers, politicians, educators, and media people who are leading the war on Christmas."
To that end, a group called the Alliance Defense Fund has started a Christmas Project to defend the expressions of Christmas.
The battle lines have been drawn.
So, how would a battle between these ultra-secularists and the Christmas defenders be fought?
The Battle of Candy Cane Hill
Christmas lights raising the morale of the Santa Brigade on the eve of battle.
It was a dark morning at Candy Cane Hill. Normally, this would be a time where everyone would be asleep, saving their energy for the day ahead. But this was not one of those mornings. A flurry of activity consumed the Hill as the First and Third Nativity Armies prepared for the Great Battle.
Not far from Candy Cane Hill was the Grand Nondenominational Army. They were there to eliminate Christmas once and for all....
"Hi-ho...hi-ho...it's off to war we go!"
"Are you discriminating against someone?"
"No! Will somebody tell the PC Brigade to shut up?"
"All of you, quiet! Or I will slap such a lawsuit on you..."
The GNA slowly advanced towards the Christmas Army.
"We should be at their position now....Where are they?"
"Did you misread the map?"
"I can't even see the map!"
"Why not?"
"We haven't seen daylight in three weeks! The solar-powered lights haven't had any opportunities to charge!"
One moment after the GNA halted to try to regain its sense of direction, the Christmas Army charged at the GNA. John Gibson led the charge, carrying a flag with a red field and a green Christmas tree in the middle. The front lines of the GNA quickly crumbled under the devastating attack.
"Fire your weapon, soldier!"
"I object to the use of firing Nerf balls because it replicates the scene of an actual shooting!"
The GNA colonel slapped the soldier across the face. The soldier quickly filed a lawsuit against the colonel as the front line of the GNA was obliterated within moments.
"Lawyers' Brigade, push the enemy back!"
The Lawyers' Brigade of the GNA quickly filed lawsuits. However, in the darkness that surrounded the GNA due to a lack of lighting, the lawsuit were accidentally directed at another portion of the GNA that was successfully holding back the Christmas advance. That portion of the GNA took massive damage and the remnants succumbed to the Christmas attack.
Bill O'Reilly attacked the GNA's second line, throwing falafels at GNA soldiers and proudly proclaiming that "The Soldier Factor" was saving Christmas. After each GNA soldier fell to a falafel, O'Reilly advertised The O'Reilly Factor for Kids book as "America's Christmas Gift" in front of cameras.
Then the Christmas Army launched one final charge to finish off the GNA. The Santa, Rudolph, and Egg Nog Brigades charged the Lawyers' Brigade. Rush Limbaugh, in command of the Santa Brigade, fired appropriately colored red and green pills through the papers of the lawsuits.
Rush Limbaugh's ammunition.
As the ranks of the Lawyers' Brigade began to lose the battle, Limbaugh performed a devastating attack while shooting the pills. A camera followed him, shooting a scene for the new movie "El Rushbo Saves Christmas from Liberals and Hillary Clinton."
"Let's just cut and run!"
"Not until we run out of lawsuits!"
The final blow was dealt by John Gibson who borrowed Santa's sleigh and flew over the retreating GNA, who promptly grew tails and put them between their legs as they ran. Gibson shouted "Merry Christmas!" that shook the battlefield and destroyed the last parts of the GNA.
The savior of Christmas!
The Christmas Army emerged victorious from the Battle of Candy Cane Hill and Christmas Was Saved.
At least the ADF is consistent in that it says it fights for Christmas year-round, where as someone like O'Reilly only brings it up at the end of the year. But even with the ADF, the "Christmas Project" is an annual event.
But even then, why just Christmas? Where is the Crusade to Save Chanukah? Or the War to Recognize Eid al-Fitr? Or why not fight against the over-the-top and just plain ridiculous edicts from some officials that seek to ban everything everywhere?
Though there is some outrage at stores that display "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas," most of it is directed at public institutions, such as schools, that eradicate any references to Christmas. Maybe they realize those stores are private institutions and to attack them would violate their own declarations supporting the private rights of business.
Even the conservative NewsMax is hopping on the Happy Holidays bandwagon, running banner ads such as this one:
There is an anti-Christmas movement, found at The Christmas Resistance Movement. And these people are just concerned with boycotting Christmas. They're not going to ruin it for anyone else simply because they aren't at the latest big sale.
Everyone involved is too tense. Everyone here needs to relax. Both sides should stop this Grand Jihad on Christmas. It's not going to end well for either side. It will just divide people at a time when the spirit of the season should be to unite in goodwill.
Finally, those looking to save Christmas are forgetting the good that is supposed to come from the holiday. This isn't merely about making sure trees are labeled as Christmas or Holiday or whether a shopping bag says Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas.
So, Merry Christmas, to the 95% of Americans (according to the ADF) that celebrate Christmas, whether you're part of the religion or not. And Happy Chanukah and Happy Kwanzaa, too. Eid al-Fitr has passed, but hopefully everyone that celebrates that can live with the joy of this season. And let's wish a good holiday to any holiday missed on this list. This is a time for goodwill amongst men and women, whatever they celebrate. Let's not hate each other because of the holiday....save that for certain sections of your family during those reunions.
Wait...what? What was that last one?
The new yearly activity for some is to save Christmas from the evil liberal atheists. It's become a regular segment on Bill O'Reilly's television program.
He's looking out for Christmas for you.
And now there's even a book about it.
Fox News anchor John Gibson is the author of a book called The War on Christmas. The book's description talks about a conspiracy based on "evidence about the liberal activists, lawyers, politicians, educators, and media people who are leading the war on Christmas."
To that end, a group called the Alliance Defense Fund has started a Christmas Project to defend the expressions of Christmas.
The battle lines have been drawn.
So, how would a battle between these ultra-secularists and the Christmas defenders be fought?
The Battle of Candy Cane Hill
Christmas lights raising the morale of the Santa Brigade on the eve of battle.
It was a dark morning at Candy Cane Hill. Normally, this would be a time where everyone would be asleep, saving their energy for the day ahead. But this was not one of those mornings. A flurry of activity consumed the Hill as the First and Third Nativity Armies prepared for the Great Battle.
Not far from Candy Cane Hill was the Grand Nondenominational Army. They were there to eliminate Christmas once and for all....
"Hi-ho...hi-ho...it's off to war we go!"
"Are you discriminating against someone?"
"No! Will somebody tell the PC Brigade to shut up?"
"All of you, quiet! Or I will slap such a lawsuit on you..."
The GNA slowly advanced towards the Christmas Army.
"We should be at their position now....Where are they?"
"Did you misread the map?"
"I can't even see the map!"
"Why not?"
"We haven't seen daylight in three weeks! The solar-powered lights haven't had any opportunities to charge!"
One moment after the GNA halted to try to regain its sense of direction, the Christmas Army charged at the GNA. John Gibson led the charge, carrying a flag with a red field and a green Christmas tree in the middle. The front lines of the GNA quickly crumbled under the devastating attack.
"Fire your weapon, soldier!"
"I object to the use of firing Nerf balls because it replicates the scene of an actual shooting!"
The GNA colonel slapped the soldier across the face. The soldier quickly filed a lawsuit against the colonel as the front line of the GNA was obliterated within moments.
"Lawyers' Brigade, push the enemy back!"
The Lawyers' Brigade of the GNA quickly filed lawsuits. However, in the darkness that surrounded the GNA due to a lack of lighting, the lawsuit were accidentally directed at another portion of the GNA that was successfully holding back the Christmas advance. That portion of the GNA took massive damage and the remnants succumbed to the Christmas attack.
Bill O'Reilly attacked the GNA's second line, throwing falafels at GNA soldiers and proudly proclaiming that "The Soldier Factor" was saving Christmas. After each GNA soldier fell to a falafel, O'Reilly advertised The O'Reilly Factor for Kids book as "America's Christmas Gift" in front of cameras.
Then the Christmas Army launched one final charge to finish off the GNA. The Santa, Rudolph, and Egg Nog Brigades charged the Lawyers' Brigade. Rush Limbaugh, in command of the Santa Brigade, fired appropriately colored red and green pills through the papers of the lawsuits.
Rush Limbaugh's ammunition.
As the ranks of the Lawyers' Brigade began to lose the battle, Limbaugh performed a devastating attack while shooting the pills. A camera followed him, shooting a scene for the new movie "El Rushbo Saves Christmas from Liberals and Hillary Clinton."
"Let's just cut and run!"
"Not until we run out of lawsuits!"
The final blow was dealt by John Gibson who borrowed Santa's sleigh and flew over the retreating GNA, who promptly grew tails and put them between their legs as they ran. Gibson shouted "Merry Christmas!" that shook the battlefield and destroyed the last parts of the GNA.
The savior of Christmas!
The Christmas Army emerged victorious from the Battle of Candy Cane Hill and Christmas Was Saved.
At least the ADF is consistent in that it says it fights for Christmas year-round, where as someone like O'Reilly only brings it up at the end of the year. But even with the ADF, the "Christmas Project" is an annual event.
But even then, why just Christmas? Where is the Crusade to Save Chanukah? Or the War to Recognize Eid al-Fitr? Or why not fight against the over-the-top and just plain ridiculous edicts from some officials that seek to ban everything everywhere?
Though there is some outrage at stores that display "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas," most of it is directed at public institutions, such as schools, that eradicate any references to Christmas. Maybe they realize those stores are private institutions and to attack them would violate their own declarations supporting the private rights of business.
Even the conservative NewsMax is hopping on the Happy Holidays bandwagon, running banner ads such as this one:
There is an anti-Christmas movement, found at The Christmas Resistance Movement. And these people are just concerned with boycotting Christmas. They're not going to ruin it for anyone else simply because they aren't at the latest big sale.
Everyone involved is too tense. Everyone here needs to relax. Both sides should stop this Grand Jihad on Christmas. It's not going to end well for either side. It will just divide people at a time when the spirit of the season should be to unite in goodwill.
Finally, those looking to save Christmas are forgetting the good that is supposed to come from the holiday. This isn't merely about making sure trees are labeled as Christmas or Holiday or whether a shopping bag says Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas.
So, Merry Christmas, to the 95% of Americans (according to the ADF) that celebrate Christmas, whether you're part of the religion or not. And Happy Chanukah and Happy Kwanzaa, too. Eid al-Fitr has passed, but hopefully everyone that celebrates that can live with the joy of this season. And let's wish a good holiday to any holiday missed on this list. This is a time for goodwill amongst men and women, whatever they celebrate. Let's not hate each other because of the holiday....save that for certain sections of your family during those reunions.
posted by Will at 10:52 AM
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